Before and After… and panic attacks

hope

A new addition to my Crossfit box is the “Before and After” display.  A few members have posted photos of themselves pre-Crossfit, and then next to them their current photos looking ripped and healthy and amazing.

These transformations are truly jaw dropping.

My super smoking hot idol girl-coach this morning pointed out the board and let the 6 a.m. class know that anyone was welcome to bring in before and after pics of themselves to add to it.  She said that she’s really proud of many of us, and some of us have seen some great changes, and then promptly made eye contact with me.

I have no idea what face I made in that moment, but I can tell you that what flew through my mind was, there is NO FREAKING WAY I’m going to put a “before” picture of myself on that wall.  There were fat rolls in places that just shouldn’t jiggle.  No one should have to consider wearing different pants because they make everything right down to your kneecaps look fat, ok people?

Clearly, that thought was reflected on my face, because the next words out of her mouth inspired me so much that I actually felt like I might cry.  She said:

“If you’re not comfortable yet, that’s ok.  One day you will have come so far that those before pictures won’t matter to you anymore and you won’t mind sharing them.”

I know she wasn’t necessarily talking to me, but man, was she talking to me.

The truth is, there is still a tiny part of me that is scared that this isn’t permanent.  I am terrified to put a “before” picture of me out there and hear the comments about how much better I look now and how much fatter I was then.

What if someday I go back to making poor nutrition choices and stop exercising?  What if one day I look in the mirror and see that “before” picture again staring right back at me?

I know that I have left that girl behind, and I’ve made changes in my life that have made me so much better, not just physically but mentally and emotionally as well.  I won’t go back there, but that fear and uncertainty still exists.

However, just hearing those words of wisdom from my coach helps me realize that I am not alone in that fear.  That she could recognize it in me means she has seen it in countless others, and she knows like them, I’m in it for the long haul.

So who knows, maybe I will post my before picture where I have more rolls than a walrus up there on that wall.  Maybe I will traumatize small children and make people question how it’s possible to store fat there.  Or maybe, for now, I will just keep making choices every single day that place that girl firmly in the past.

Because this girl, she’s pretty awesome.

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12 thoughts on “Before and After… and panic attacks

  1. I have often felt like this when posting my before pics on my blog. Just quietly I think we judge ourselves way more harshly than others do… I honestly used to see myself at least 20kg heavier than other people saw in those same pics! But then in that same moment, I don’t think others really care about how big you were, they may think “wow what a transformation” but in the next minute they would more than likely reflect on themselves rather than judging you on your past. 🙂 well that’s how I talked myself into posting my before pics lol

    1. I completely agree. I am by far my worst critic… but I’m still not posting those pics for the world to see. I’ll keep posting ones of other people. Those are safer for my ego… for now. 🙂

  2. I had that same feeling but once you hit that place where you realize, wow I did this and i will never go back to the way I was, ever. That’s when you will be proud to show off that before picture.. look how far you came! That’s the old you.. the real you is inside, not outside 😉

  3. You know what else? You’re pretty awesome no matter what you weigh, how much you can lift, or how fast you bike. I hope you post a before and after picture…because if you reach that point, what you’re really granting yourself is forgiveness. You weren’t giving yourself the love and respect you deserved and now you are. And that, my dear, is a pretty big deal.

  4. Haa! Fooled ya, I checked the link. But yeah, Ima lazy😋

    Nothing is ‘permanent’.

    Speaking only for me, external motivation works for a while. But then at some point Ima like, “Who gives a ^%#( what she thinks?” So Ima always working on ‘doing it for me’. That’s why – to me – when people morph, all I want to know is if they feel better. Because if they don’t, then what was the point.

    FWIW, Ima thinkin about calling you EyeCandy now 😈

    But seriously, keep doing what’s working for ya.😊

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