You might be thinkin’ it, but I’m the one saying it

Life is full of awkward moments.  Heck, I’m the queen of doing embarrassing things, and have the stories to prove it.  Despite knowing that, there scenarios that are squirm worthy no matter how you slice them that I believe really shouldn’t be.  I feel like, as a society we have labeled these instances as “embarrassing” and obsessed about them to a point that not only are they embarrassing for the person actually committing the atrocity, but they’re embarrassing for someone else to point out.  To the point that half the time people DON’T point them out, which just perpetuates this ugly circle.

So I’m putting my foot down.  As of today, I will tell anyone, anytime without embarrassment or remorse if I see them experiencing one of the following:

Walking around with pants unzipped
I don’t want to see unsolicited wiener.  You don’t want to expose your wiener unsolicited.  So I will tell you when you’re in danger.  And you will smile and zip and we’ll be on our merry way.

Having a big honking piece of food stuck in your teeth
There is no way you’re intentionally saving that for later.  Granted, it’s keeping me from looking at your boobs or noticing how ugly men’s shoes usually are, but it’s also completely distracting me from whatever life altering thing you’re trying to tell me.  Pick it and lick it and we can go back to our regularly scheduled programming.

When you smell.  Bad.
B.O. is totally one of those things that you won’t notice on yourself until it’s really, epically, offending all of those within a 30 mile radius bad.  Granted, it’s also one of those things that isn’t exactly easy to point out to someone.  But here’s my logic.  Chances are, you’re aiming for at least passable hygiene and don’t mean to smell like a walking cadaver.   Maybe you don’t realize you’re missing the mark.  I will tell you my friend, and even help you pick out new deodorant should you so desire.

Chillin’ with a booger dangling from your nose
Usually this one is easily remedied by my wiping my own nose which you then do in turn and get the pesky little bugger, but if that doesn’t work, dude I’m just going to tell you.   Otherwise, eventually you will look in the mirror, realize that it’s there, and wonder why nobody told you.

Melting my face with your dragon breath
I don’t care if you had onions and garlic for lunch, they invented toothpaste for a reason.  If I can smell your breath from where I’m at, it’s bad.  If you’re one of those close talkers and DON’T take super extra precautions to make sure you’re not killing me, then you’re kind of just asking for it.

So what say you world?  Will I be the obnoxious bitch that people just don’t know what to do with when I step up to the plate and keep them from having these embarrassing moments, or will I be the person that you find yourself forever grateful to because I told you what no one else would?

Regardless, I hope to make the world a less ewwwwwie place.

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