I am obsessed with food.
I think about it all the time. If I’m not eating, I’m thinking about what I will eat next. Whether or not it’s healthy. If I’m going out to eat I pep talk myself ahead of time about food I will avoid because it’s “bad,” and then I usually end up ordering it because it’s all I’ve thought about all day.
Over the course of the Whole 30 it’s been a bit better. There’s an approved list and anything outside of that I can’t eat. But now, with less than a week left to go, all I can think about are all of the “bad” things that I “can” eat one week from today.
This can’t be healthy.
In fact, I know it isn’t. This thought process is the exact reason why I have so many issues with my weight.
I once went to a shrink who talked to me on end about my “relationship with food.” I remember thinking at the time how freaking dumb that sounded. It’s FOOD. I don’t care about the cow’s feelings, I just want to eat it.
In hindsight, maybe she had a point. It doesn’t matter how the cow felt, it matters that, when I devour the cow in mass ground up quantities topped with cheese, bbq sauce and bacon, I FEEL better… if only for a moment.
Then, the reality of the situation sinks in and I feel guilty. I regret the choice as I know it’s not great for weight loss. I know if I want to physically look like I believe that I want to look, I need to eat things that aren’t “bad” for me. And so the negative self-talk continues and my obsession with food grows and grows.
Why is it “good” or “bad?” Why can’t I just eat moderate portions of what I want, enjoy them, exercise, and be healthy? Does it really REALLY need to be this complicated?
I don’t have a good answer. Heck, as someone who is literally manically plotting what my first “cheat” meal will be after my 30 days is up, I think it’s pretty clear that I’m about the furthest thing from an expert on this subject.
What I DO know is that I probably need to keep examining the WHY behind all of this, hopefully without making myself even more crazy. I’ve said it before and I’m certain I will say it again many many times, but if I can at least understand why I’m doing something or behaving in a specific way, I’m one step closer to potentially changing that pattern or that behavior.
I don’t want to be obsessed. At least not with food. I would rather pick something mutually beneficial… you know, like sex.