Big surprise, the fat kid is obsessed with food

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I am obsessed with food.

Obsessed. 

I think about it all the time.  If I’m not eating, I’m thinking about what I will eat next.  Whether or not it’s healthy.  If I’m going out to eat I pep talk myself ahead of time about food I will avoid because it’s “bad,” and then I usually end up ordering it because it’s all I’ve thought about all day.

Over the course of the Whole 30 it’s been a bit better.  There’s an approved list and anything outside of that I can’t eat.  But now, with less than a week left to go, all I can think about are all of the “bad” things that I “can” eat one week from today.

This can’t be healthy.

In fact, I know it isn’t.  This thought process is the exact reason why I have so many issues with my weight.

I once went to a shrink who talked to me on end about my “relationship with food.”  I remember thinking at the time how freaking dumb that sounded.  It’s FOOD.  I don’t care about the cow’s feelings, I just want to eat it.

In hindsight, maybe she had a point.  It doesn’t matter how the cow felt, it matters that, when I devour the cow in mass ground up quantities topped with cheese, bbq sauce and bacon, I FEEL better… if only for a moment.

Then, the reality of the situation sinks in and I feel guilty.  I regret the choice as I know it’s not great for weight loss.  I know if I want to physically look like I believe that I want to look, I need to eat things that aren’t “bad” for me.  And so the negative self-talk continues and my obsession with food grows and grows.

Why is it “good” or “bad?”  Why can’t I just eat moderate portions of what I want, enjoy them, exercise, and be healthy?  Does it really REALLY need to be this complicated?

I don’t have a good answer.  Heck, as someone who is literally manically plotting what my first “cheat” meal will be after my 30 days is up, I think it’s pretty clear that I’m about the furthest thing from an expert on this subject.

What I DO know is that I probably need to keep examining the WHY behind all of this, hopefully without making myself even more crazy.  I’ve said it before and I’m certain I will say it again many many times, but if I can at least understand why I’m doing something or behaving in a specific way, I’m one step closer to potentially changing that pattern or that behavior.

I don’t want to be obsessed.  At least not with food.  I would rather pick something mutually beneficial… you know, like sex.

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17 thoughts on “Big surprise, the fat kid is obsessed with food

  1. i am the same way…i know i shouldn’t eat some things, yet, just shove them in anyways. i’m thinking of doing the whole life challenge with my Box. 8 weeks of strict discipline might be just what I need to get on track.

    • I won’t lie, as I’m doing Whole 30 at the moment I’m SUPER “on track” as you put it… but I am also counting the minutes until I “can” eat a “treat.”

      And the whole positive/negative language thing is really irking my brain today. I wish I could just be one of those people who was born with self control and a healthy body image. It would make life so much easier.

  2. I actually have a lot of the same issues with food, so I went to see a dietician and she told me to stop thinking of foods as “good” and “bad” and instead to just think about “bad” foods as “fun” foods. She’s also a firm believer in NOT dieting but instead using intuitive eating. So, that’s what I’m trying these days and I’m not totally sure if it’s working yet, but at least it’s taken a lot of the pressure and guilt off when I do eat, and I actually make better decisions because I don’t feel like I “have” to eat certain things. I suppose time will tell if this idea works out or not for me, but just thought I’d share. 🙂

  3. I am not obsessed with food, but I always have to have chocolate available somewhere nearby. I don’t need to eat much of it, but I have some chocolate every single day. It just took me nine days to eat one serving of milk chocolate that sits next to my computer, but that’s because I’ve been supplementing it was some chocolate covered dried cherries I bought on vacation.

    We all need to eat and to find the way that does the least damage is a good thing. Unfortunately, our food supply is so full of badness that it is much harder than it used to be. I wish I could afford, or I wish I wasn’t so cheap and would spend the money, to buy all organic foods.

  4. Saturday actually ends my 30 days, and I am scared. I’m afraid that if I let in a “banned” food, it will be a “No Holds Barred!” I won’t eat just 1 Cliff bar…I’ll eat 3 (gotta try the different flavors, ya know). I’m afraid I’ll go right back to “messing up”…saying screw it..then trying to “start again” tomorrow…tomorrow never comes….I don’t want to go back there!

    • Your worry is cliff bars?

      Mine is pizza and french fries and cookies. Lots of cookies. Ooh and that new s’mores blizzard from DQ. And while we’re at it sushi, with soy sauce, and cream cheese and…

      See my point? lol

      I don’t want to go back there either. But I’m struggling with not wanting to be back there, but also not wanting to feel like I’m constantly wanting things I told myself I can’t have.

      This is all very confusing.

  5. They say that it may take more than 30 days to change your relationship with food, I think for me it was about 45 days, but it truly happened, if you are still thinking about cheating, maybe your body isn’t ready to be off the whole 30, probably not what you wanted to hear, but it is such a freeing feeling to not be controlled by food anymore, stick it out, you got this, maybe this needs to be a whole45 or whole60……just sayin’

  6. I appreciate your thoughts on this. I struggle with the same thing. Any time I do a long diet challenge I end up thinking about what I’m going to eat at the end of it too – but from what I’ve heard EVERYONE does that with long diet challenges like Whole30. So I wouldn’t beat yourself up too much about “manically plotting” your cheat. The fittest girl at my gym (she went to regionals this year) had a cheat meal after our 9 week paleo challenge that even made me feel sick just thinking about it.

    That being said, I know what you mean. It’s a scary place to be, to feel like you don’t have control over your eating impulses. I don’t have an answer, and I may never have an answer on it. Eating challenges aside, it’s something that I know I need to find balance on – to not obsess about food. Like I said, I think it’s impossible to do during an eating challenge, but in “regular life” it’s something I’m still working on. I hope you find your balance.

  7. Pingback: Life After Whole 30: Who knew I had food-emotions? | Not the fat kid in gym class anymore…

  8. (Sorry, obviously I’m catching up on your blog) Just wanted to say I have the exact same thoughts. Spoiler alert, I did binge my ass off, so it’s going to be back to Whole30 (or 45, or 60) after I go to the State Fair on Monday 🙂 But yes. The same. I made a list on my phone, actually, of things to eat after Whole30.

    • Yeah, I binged my ass off too… and actually kind of still am. It’s amazing that two months later I’m still telling myself it’s ok to eat four extra egg rolls from the chinese food place because I did Whole 30 and did’t eat them for a month.

      Must. get. a. grip.

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