Amidst all my goal setting here lately I’ve noticed I’ve been particularly hard on myself about the things I haven’t yet achieved.
Maybe I’m more aware of it than usual since my day started with me curled up in the fetal position on the floor crying because I had tried on every pair of jeans I owned and only half of them even made it over my bum and not one pair would zip.
Admittedly, I’m uh… more than a little bloated today. And with that comes some er… extra emotions. But really, that’s not an excuse. None of my excuses are good excuses.
So after brushing myself off and putting on a dress, I drove to work beating myself up.
After sitting at my desk all day manically plotting how I’m going to get this darn weight off by my trip to Vegas in December I’m pooped. Pooped and pissed off at myself.
That’s a lot of bodily functions right there.
But with all these thoughts swirling around in my head, I can still hear the strong woman inside here screaming “but look how far you’ve come!”
And that crazy bitch is right.
Last Friday we did “Grace,” one of Crossfits benchmark girls, 30 clean and jerks for time. I won’t lie, I was SUPER excited to do this workout even though it’s not a strong movement for me, and I am really not strong in the super short fast sprint type workouts.
Because roughly a year ago was the first and only other time I’ve ever done Grace. I had started Crossfit at the end of August, made it through my Elements class, went to run a 5k in late October, and promptly twisted my ankle and in the act fell and broke my hand.
Six weeks of no Crossfit later I was out of the cast on a Wednesday in early December. That very night I went back to the box and started over. That Saturday I did Grace at Crossfit.
My hand was still getting used to being out of the cast, and I couldn’t hold a barbell. Not to mention I was horrifically out of shape, and wasn’t positive I could even get that much weight over my head that many times. I ended up doing the workout with dumbbells. 10 lbs dumbbells. I have no idea how long it took me to muscle through that workout, but I do know that about half way thru I thought that really, it shouldn’t be this hard to throw 20 lbs over head.
But there I was, panting, sweating and feeling like I might die. What was likely 10 minutes later I finished, and made a decision right there that surprised me. I decided that next year, I would do better.
Yeah, I decided I was going to do that shit AGAIN.
Right? But we’ve already established I’m crazy.
Last Friday I did Grace for the second time. I used a barbell, loaded it up at 53 lbs, and did it in under 7 minutes. Not only that, I did it with good form on my cleans, power on my jerks and with confidence in the movements.
Last Friday I did something that a year ago I couldn’t even fathom, and I’m not just talking about the weight or the workout.
Last Friday I celebrated the fact that I have started and stuck with a sport for an entire year. I’ve gained strength and confidence. I’ve realized that I enjoy exercise, and have made it a part of who I am. In some small way, I think last Friday I realized that I might just be a bit of an athlete, and I like that about myself.
So whether my pants zip or not I can’t ignore that for as far as I have left to go on this journey of mine, I’ve already come a pretty freaking long way.