Hey mom guess what? I actually made it to 30! I know, right? I didn’t think I would do it either. At least, not with all my limbs attached anyway.
Not only that, my teeth never rotted out of my head from all the candy.
My face didn’t ever freeze that way.
And I totally jumped off the bridge after my friends, and lived to tell the tale.
So really, I’ve had a pretty great time living these past 30 years.
Now I’m not saying all your advice was bunk, mom. Lots of your pearls of wisdom helped me along the way. And while you did bestow upon me the mothers curse of hoping I have a daughter exactly like me, I’m not going to give you a chance to spoil my potential little puke rotten and don’t plan to have one.
It’s a shame really, because I could totally be the cool mom who passes along the knowledge that will actually get you to 30. Rather than let it go to waste, I’ll dispense the most important lessons and advice here to be immortalized in the interwebs.
Be warned, I’m going to give it to you straight, kittens. Here’s the top 10 pieces of advice that got me to 30 relatively sane and unscathed… hey, I said relatively. Stop laughing.
- Wear a skirt to keg parties at frat houses. You have a built in excuse NOT to do a keg stand.
- If something on their man bits looks or smells funny, do not put it in your mouth. Under any circumstances.
- Wearing two condoms does not give you more protection. It gives you chaffage and a rubber band burn inside your hoo hoo.
- Never, EVER play “never have I ever” in a room with more than one ex boyfriend. Double bad if the ex boyfriends have their new girlfriends with them. Triple bad if their new girlfriends are boring and easily made jealous.
- Make a few close friends that you can count on and who can count on you. It’s not cool to have to call your mom for bail money because you got caught peeing on a wall in New Orleans when you were supposed to be volunteering to build a home for Habitat for Humanity in Pensacola for the weekend.
- Oh and don’t pee anywhere publicly. That’s a big no no. Boys too. Whipping it out where other people can see it will go on your permanent record if you get caught.
- Go to Mardi Gras at least once. Preferably when you’re old enough to drink legally but not so old that you’re the old skeezer just there to see perky young boobs.
- Find something classy you like to drink. “Natty Light” might sound cool in college, but in the real world someone who knows their tequila or scotch seems just a tiny bit classier.
- Make decisions sober and don’t allow yourself to go back on them once you’re drunk. I have no idea how many bad situations I’ve avoided by writing down on the palm of my hand “sleep in your own bed tonight you asshole” before leaving for the party, and actually taking my own advice.
- Find someone who gets your crazy and put them in your pocket and keep them forever. I’m not saying go out and get married or fall in love or any of that crap. But find someone who really GETS you, who vindicates and validates you, and supports you through it all. Hell that person can be YOU if you’re super duper awesome, or it can be someone you find in someone else. Either way, find it. Having someone to make it to 30 and beyond with really does make all the difference in the world.
So what about you readers? Any advice for how to make you first 30 years great? What about the next 30? Somehow I think the fun has just begun for this girl.