I wish I was as skinny as I was the last time I thought I was fat

braille

My sister and I are in pretty much the same boat; our weight has yo-yoed up and down since puberty.  Different diet and exercise fads along the way have propelled us in one direction or another, and while over the past two and a half years I’ve really worked to find some balance, the psychological food demons still exist.

Sis is going in for gastric bypass next week, and as you all know I’ve been on a now 13 week lifestyle overhaul that has resulted in over 30 lbs of weight loss so far.

cranky

She and I were talking the other day and she said something so brilliant, I have to share it here.

I wish I was as skinny as I was the last time I thought I was fat.

That seriously got me thinking.  Just a week ago I was nearly brought to tears when I tried on a pair of jeans I used to wear in college (COLLEGE guys), and they fit.  Granted, I would never actually wear them for real now because apparently in college having your inseam so tiny that your vayjayjay almost falls out was totally a thing.  What the hell good is a two inch zipper anyway?  But I digress.  My college jeans fit.

And yet, when I look at my body in the mirror I still note that I can’t see my abs yet and there’s still some inner thigh jiggle that I want gone.

I’m the smallest I’ve been in years, and because I’ve done it through awesome lifestyle changes that include weight training and a super healthy but not restrictive diet, I’ve got a great physique.  But in my head, it’s still not enough.

The last time I was this weight I was training and racing a Half Ironman.  I also remember thinking that I wanted to be smaller then.

But I’ll tell ya what gang, if four months ago I could have just woken up one day and looked like I do now I probably would have burst into tears from joy.  I have come SO FAR and I actually really love how I look if I give myself 10 seconds to think about it.

So really, the moral of this story is simply this… appreciate the body that you’re in.  Recognize that if you’re psycho like me you may never be happy with how you look, but give yourself permission to take a step back and celebrate your progress.

That’s what I’m doing today.  And every day.

Now that's what I call confidence.

Now that’s what I call confidence.

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20 thoughts on “I wish I was as skinny as I was the last time I thought I was fat

  1. The last time I was thin, really thin, I thought I finally looked good. My wife asked me to put the weight back on. Now I look back on photos and I can’t believe how damned skinny I really was.

    Today, 6′ tall and 170 on the nose, I’m happy with how I look in my cycling getup and I’m calling that good enough for government work…

  2. Good job on losing the weight in a healthy way. I wonder if any of us are truly happy with the way we look. I would like to have a photoshop screen follow me around and shave off a few pounds and lots of saggy lines. Ah yes. Wait for that one. “I wish I was as young as the last time I thought I was old.” It’s always something.

    • From what I can tell, it’s something that many people battle. I wish that I could look in the mirror and see myself and my body the way my hubs does. I have a feeling I would be so confident I would walk around naked at all times.

  3. That’s awesome. I am mega fat currently and I can say that with a bit of a laugh. But I am losing the weight, bit by bit and am happy I am on this journey. Your blog is pretty funny so off ya go into my blogroll. Cheers.

  4. Having never seen you, Ima willing to congratulate you on the constructive changes you have made. And I hope your sister ends up happy with her outcome too.

    Now, whoever it was that said “I wish I was as young as I was the last time I thought I was old” . . . Thanks so much. Now Ima depressed. You’ll see one day when you get to my age.

    Have a great w/e!😁

  5. Love this, learning to be happy in the body you’re in can be near impossible, though, especially when you’re one of those “psychos” who’s been plagued with an eating disorder… So inspiring to hear of your success though! Great blog! Care to check out mine? Downwiththenorm.com

    • Disordered eating, regardless of the type, totally sucks. I know, and it’s a struggle every day to overcome it. Thanks for the comment, I’ll be checking out your blog as well!

  6. this is truly a great post. when i first decided to take on competing in fitness competitions, i hate how i looked and wanted to change it. a week before show time i was miserable, “im not where i should be for this competition” i would say. but six months prior i would of died to look the way i looked currently. last week was the first time in my life where ive ever been happy with how i look. self doubt creeps up every once in awhile, but thats life.

  7. Pingback: Fat Isn’t a Feeling | Not the fat kid in gym class anymore…

  8. Hi Nicole, Great post. Be proud of yourself. 30 lbs. is a huge weight-loss, but it sounds like it’s more of a lifestyle change than a weight-loss story. That’s awesome stuff. Keep it up! 🙂

    • Thanks Ashley! And you’re totally right, I love how you put that. At the end of the day I don’t ever want to be wishing I was this size again. These are habits I’m making for the long haul.

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