Uh dude, it’s not your body

Lately I’ve had some of the strangest comments made to me.  Now sure, I’ve heard of shit like this happening to other women before, but I guess I was never fit enough that I fell into the category… until now.

Obviously, I’ve lost some weight.  I’m at 36 pounds and counting, and my body looks different.  Like really crazy there’s an entire oompah lumpa gone different.  I’m not “skinny” kids, not by any stretch of the imagination, but I’m getting smaller.  And it’s pretty common knowledge that I’m not done yet.

I have no idea what my “goal weight” is, but I am aiming for a goal aesthetic.  More than that, I have some performance goals I’m working towards.  And imagine that, getting faster and stronger also equates to getting physically leaner, and in my case, smaller.

So I’m trucking along.

But lately people, especially men, have found it not only appropriate but necessary to say things like:

Don’t put on too much more muscle, you’re going to start looking manly.

Or perhaps even more ridiculous and offensive:

Well whatever you do don’t lose so much weight that you lose your boobs (or sometimes your ass).

Husband, thank God, hasn’t said anything so idiotic.  I think he knows that I would smother him in his sleep.

But somehow, that makes it even WORSE.  These are random dude friends who somehow think that they have a right to not only make these types of comments on my body, but that I actually give a shit about what they think or how they feel about the way I look.

*sigh*

Sure, there’s a part of me that wants to be attractive to others.  But kittens, I’m not doing this for anyone else but me.  If I were, there would be no way I would be this successful.

 

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Since I’m not having children, you get my 30 years of wisdom

alcohol

Hey mom guess what?  I actually made it to 30!  I know, right?  I didn’t think I would do it either.  At least, not with all my limbs attached anyway.

Not only that, my teeth never rotted out of my head from all the candy.

My face didn’t ever freeze that way.

And I totally jumped off the bridge after my friends, and lived to tell the tale.

So really, I’ve had a pretty great time living these past 30 years.

Now I’m not saying all your advice was bunk, mom.  Lots of your pearls of wisdom helped me along the way.   And while you did bestow upon me the mothers curse of hoping I have a daughter exactly like me, I’m not going to give you a chance to spoil my potential little puke rotten and don’t plan to have one.

It’s a shame really, because I could totally be the cool mom who passes along the knowledge that will actually get you to 30.  Rather than let it go to waste, I’ll dispense the most important lessons and advice here to be immortalized in the interwebs.

Be warned, I’m going to give it to you straight, kittens.   Here’s the top 10 pieces of advice that got me to 30 relatively sane and unscathed… hey, I said relatively.  Stop laughing.

  1.  Wear a skirt to keg parties at frat houses.  You have a built in excuse NOT to do a keg stand.
  2. If something on their man bits looks or smells funny, do not put it in your mouth.  Under any circumstances.
  3. Wearing two condoms does not give you more protection.  It gives you chaffage and a rubber band burn inside your hoo hoo.
  4. Never, EVER play “never have I ever” in a room with more than one ex boyfriend.  Double bad if the ex boyfriends have their new girlfriends with them.  Triple bad if their new girlfriends are boring and easily made jealous.
  5. Make a few close friends that you can count on and who can count on you.  It’s not cool to have to call your mom for bail money because you got caught peeing on a wall in New Orleans when you were supposed to be volunteering to build a home for Habitat for Humanity in Pensacola for the weekend.
  6. Oh and don’t pee anywhere publicly.  That’s a big no no.  Boys too.  Whipping it out where other people can see it will go on your permanent record if you get caught.
  7. Go to Mardi Gras at least once.  Preferably when you’re old enough to drink legally but not so old that you’re the old skeezer just there to see perky young boobs.
  8. Find something classy you like to drink.  “Natty Light” might sound cool in college, but in the real world someone who knows their tequila or scotch seems just a tiny bit classier.
  9. Make decisions sober and don’t allow yourself to go back on them once you’re drunk.  I have no idea how many bad situations I’ve avoided by writing down on the palm of my hand “sleep in your own bed tonight you asshole” before leaving for the party, and actually taking my own advice.
  10. Find someone who gets your crazy and put them in your pocket and keep them forever.  I’m not saying go out and get married or fall in love or any of that crap.  But find someone who really GETS you, who vindicates and validates you, and supports you through it all.  Hell that person can be YOU if you’re super duper awesome, or it can be someone you find in someone else.  Either way, find it.  Having someone to make it to 30 and beyond with really does make all the difference in the world.

So what about you readers?  Any advice for how to make you first 30 years great?  What about the next 30?  Somehow I think the fun has just begun for this girl.

Why do YOU read my blog?

advice

I know I’m not the only blogger in the world that gets a kick out of their “search terms.”

For those who don’t have any idea what I’m talking about, let me let you in on a little secret.  Sites that host blogs, like the lovely wordpress.com, give us bloggers some tools to measure and track how awesome we are.  The analytics tell us things like how many people per day are on our blogs, how many pages they look at, what posts they look at the most, what countries they are from, and how they got to our blogs (ie, what search terms they may have used).

I’m proud to say my blog regularly reaches 10-15 countries a day.  I have a few hundred visitors on average, and I love EVERY. SINGLE. ONE of you.

I’m also totally amused by the fact that my posts about sex get about 5x as many views and likes as any other posts I do.

This is a weight loss/ Crossfit blog kids.  But not to fear, the perverted commentary isn’t going anywhere soon.

With all that said, people end up at my blog through a variety of search terms.  As I peruse these I feel a bit remiss, as I have never actually blogged about 90% of them.  While I can see how the wonderful world of Google algorithms found my writing with these combinations, I feel awful that these readers walked away without the answers they were seeking.

So in an effort to please the masses, I give you my top 5 search terms, and my thoughts and commentary on each.  Folks, if you stumble on my blog because of one of these combinations please Please PLEASE follow me.  I want to be your friend.  You are my kind of people.

Number 5- 6 People Visited with This Term
Fat Snatch Hat

Hello new visitors.  As I am at work at the moment, I’m not willing to google “snatch hat” to ensure it is, in fact, what I’m thinking so I’m just going to go with my initial assumption here.  Hat’s are a very personal preference.  Find one you like and wear it often if that’s your thing.  Full support here, fat or otherwise.

Number 4– 6 People Visited with This Term
My crush has a boner in class

Ah my darlings, this is a good thing.  It’s a sign of an excellent circulatory system.  In my opinion, as long as he’s not whipping it out and playing with it, he’s not really breaking any rules.  And if you’re a girl googling for advice on this particular topic please keep in mind, guys have it much harder than we do in this arena (pun totally intended).  We don’t have the burden of physical evidence popping up when we’re oogling the hot professor and get a little too excited about our bent-over-the-desk fantasies.  Just sayin’.

Number 3– 9 People Visited with This Term
If you feel your mouth is not responding properly

You should smack it.  Or have someone else smack it.  Or I guess it’s possible you might be having a stroke.  So maybe you should see a doctor… who might smack it?  Who knows?

Number 2– 9 People Visited with This Term
Fat kid peeing out window

My oh my google you ARE creative with your algorithms aren’t you?  I get the fat kid.  I even get the peeing… but how did it end up out the window?  Regardless, searchers/readers, don’t let your kids pee out the window.  If you see a kid peeing out the window, feel free to correct their behavior.  I for one do NOT want to be the person in the car BEHIND the kid (fat or otherwise) peeing out the window.

Number 1– 12 People Visited with This Term
Look at stewie and see a fat girl

I can’t judge, this has happened to me before too.  I think it’s the shape of his head.  If you look at him and see a fat girl you think you know you should ask for her autograph.  She might the inspiration for the character and it could make you rich one day.

Unless, of course, that fat girl is me.  In which case, I’ll cut you.  So on second thought, maybe don’t ask.  I would hate for your children to end up parentless because you followed some crappy advice you got from a crazy woman on her blog.

Hot sweaty man mouth-to-mouth… ok actually it’s Crossfit advice

fitenss advice

Four new people joined Crossfit yesterday.  They came to class in the morning as newbies, and were back today as onrampers.  It was pretty cool to see, the community at our box is really exceptional and as part of it, I get excited when I see our little 6 a.m. family growing.

Since this is the first week back for me after several off I’ve been thinking a lot about my first few weeks of Crossfit.   I think it’s because at the moment my body hurts so bad I’m considering removing a limb or two to be rid of the pain, and it reminds me of how I felt when I was just starting out.

I got a lot of advice back then, between amazing coaches and all my friends and family that thought I had suddenly gone stark raving mad, and in hindsight some of it was really really good.

In an effort to pay it forward, and to maybe help someone new to Crossfit or considering trying it out, here I will share my favorite pieces of advice, many of which I still use today.

  •  You won’t die, you will pass out first.

Yeah, this is probably the hardest thing you’ve ever done.  Even if it isn’t, there’s going to be a moment where you wonder if your body is physically able to do any more.  Chances are, if you can have and recognize that thought coherently, you can keep going.  In fact, chances are, it’s your mind holding you back and not your body.  Keep going.  If your body really just can’t do anymore you’ll know because you will come to flat on your back with a sweaty herd of people huddled around you wanting to know if you’re ok.  If you’re REALLY lucky you might come to with one of those sweaty Crossfit studs giving you mouth to mouth.

  • When in doubt, “mobilitize”.

I remember when I first started Crossfit I got irritated during classes where we would do a lot of mobility work.  I felt like I wasn’t getting a good workout if I wasn’t panting and sweating the entire time.  After just a few short weeks however, I realized that my mobility was really limiting some of my movements.  It wasn’t just about stretching, it was about helping my body to align the way it needed to in order to be efficient and effective.  Granted, I still believe the lacrosse ball to be some sort of twisted S&M device, but now I use it daily and am better for it.

  •  Listen to your coaches.  No really, even about that.

So I may or may not have been one of those new Crossfitters that thought I knew way more than I really did, especially about nutrition.  I also may or may not have resisted the Paleo approach for months and argued tooth and nail that whole wheat, black beans, cheese and ice cream were just fine for me to eat in moderation.  Then came a point where I had a heart to heart with myself.  I realized that I was listening to my coaches every single word of advice to the letter when it came to my training, why on earth wasn’t I capitalizing on their knowledge with nutrition and doing what they said?  When I did, the results finally started coming in a way I couldn’t have imagined.  Yeah, a lot of times what they’re telling you to do might be hard, it might suck, and it might disrupt the things that you believe to be true.  But chances are they are right.  Bastards.

  •  Scale your workouts and be proud of your work.

There are probably people out there who were banging out handstand push ups your first week of Crossfit.  For the record, I loathe you.  Actually, that’s not entirely true.  I envy you.  For those of us who are mere mortals, it’s really likely you’re not going to be able to do every movement perfectly, Rx on day 1.  Who cares?  You showed up and you’re doing the work to the best of your ability right alongside the burpee muscle up guy that makes you sweaty to think about even when you’re not working out.  Completing any Crossfit WOD, scaled or not, is still a victory.   The only person who knows what you’re capable of is you, and as long as you are pushing yourself as hard as the workload expected, you’re doing it right.

  • You won’t PR every day, but you still need to show up.  You committed, now do the work.

I remember in my first week my coach quoting the somewhat overused phrase, “it doesn’t ever get easier, you just get better.”  I knew it was true then, just as I know it’s true now.   Something I struggle to remember even today though, is that it doesn’t mean you’ll get better every time.  Maybe you PR your snatch last week but can’t get under the weight even once two weeks later.  That doesn’t mean you’re not improving, so many factors play into our performance each day.  They key to Crossfit, or to anything in which you want to improve really, is consistency.  Motivate yourself however you have to, but show up, do the work, and the results will come.

So now it’s your turn!  I would love to know if you ever got some great advice, or something that you learned along the way in your fitness or health journey that surprised you.

And if it includes hot sweaty man mouth to mouth all the better.