In case you need extra Halloween candy motivation

I’m not a huge candy person, but that doesn’t mean around Halloween I’m not tempted.  Not having any kids helps, so does not buying the stuff until the last minute and sending any extras to work with hubs the next day.

But today when I brought home the Snickers and Twix and put the chocolately bastards in my Halloween bowl I was hit with temptation.

I sent my sister a text:

I just went to the grocery store to buy candy for the trick-or-treaters and now I feel the need to not be at home all day so that I don’t eat it all before tonight.


I can always count on my sister to put things in perspective.  Her response:

Don’t be a b*itch and eat all the children’s joy.


So followers, don’t devour the joy.  Save it for the kiddos who are going to lose those teeth anyway.

Happy Halloween!

You’re About to Ride in a Time Machine

My favorite day of the year is coming up this weekend!!!  No, it’s totally NOT Halloween (have I ever mentioned how much clowns and scary movies absolutely terrify me?!), it’s the day we all get to “Fall Back,” or as I like to call it:


No seriously, you go to bed at night and wake up the next day and have a whole shiny new hour that you didn’t have before!  It’s good stuff kittens.

This year, I’ve got a challenge for my lovely readers.  There’s lots of research out there that says folks who do stuff in the morning are more likely to stick to it and make it a habit, yes?  Yes.  True statement.

With an extra hour in our day, wouldn’t it be cool if we could kick off our Fall right and use that hour to work towards a goal we’ve been wanting to achieve?

If you’ve really been trying to get out of bed in the mornings to workout, that is totally the day to start.  Or if you have it in your head that you would just eat better if you took the time to prep some meals, do it with that hour!  Let’s all challenge ourselves to use that hour to start a new healthy habit, before our bodies have a chance to miss it!

Personally, my extra hour is going to be spent on stretching and mobility.  My once a week yoga classes are great, but I really need to spend some focused time every day foam rolling and stretching.  I always plan to do it when I wake up in the morning, but seem to constantly get distracted.  I’m using my hour to start this new habit.

What about you?  What will you do with your hour?  What new healthy habit are you going to start this weekend?

Has this ever happened to you?

So today at the gym I was doing “Renegade Rows” (aka satan and planks had a spawn child during a threesome with dumbbell rows and oh-god-I-think-I-might-die.)  On my third set the sweat was literally dripping down my face, and off the tip of my nose.

Despite the deep burring in my abs, quads, back, arms, legs, ears, and anything else attached to my body the sweat tickled.

I tried exhaling sharply to get it to fly off of there, but no luck.

So on my next rep I tried a sharp nose inhale.

This resulted in my snorting what felt like a freaking full cup of sweat up my schnoz, which caused me to break into this frantic sneezing fit.

I sneezed 8 times.  I also fell over, curled in the fetal position and broke out into the giggles between sneezes.

In the middle of the “man” section of the gym.

On the floor.

You’re welcome to everyone who just stood there and started at me.  For once I was the most entertaining person at the gym.

A man who knows what he wants…

Here in Florida it’s really common to have live entertainment at dinner.  One of my favorite places is right on the water, so you can watch a great sunset while jamming out to some Jimmy Buffet tunes and scarfing down coconut shrimp.

Sounds like Heaven, right?

Hubs and I were at dinner the other night and I couldn’t help but notice a sweet little family a few tables over.  There was a little boy who couldn’t have been more than 3 or 4 who listened politely to the musician during each song, and at the end clapped his hands in appreciation.  The mom was awesome at encouraging his great behavior, and as a causal observer it was cool to see her teach her son to appreciate music and be polite.

That is, until the guy on the guitar changed up the tunes a bit.

He played a stirring rendition of a country favorite around these parts, “Tequila Makes Her Clothes Fall Off.”

Unlike before, after this number the little man literally couldn’t contain his excitement.  He jumped up in his high chair, and gave a standing, hooting, hollering ovation.

His mother was literally stunned speechless.

I about fell out of my chair laughing.  She’s in big trouble if he is already a man who knows that tequila is the way to any woman’s heart.

“Thick and sexy” is something you should really only ever say about a milkshake

I could not make this stuff up if I tried.

We have a few regular spots where we hang out on Friday nights, and with my usual group of people they always involve places the guys can play pool.

A few weeks back, we were early on in our drinking and bar hopping merriment, and decided to stop at a place that isn’t on the regular list, but has some pretty great tables.  I’m flexible, and as long as they have Whiskey, I’m easy to please.

Within five minutes of walking in the door, we realize we’re not exactly in the classy part of town.  But as I was there with hubs and another dude, I figured not much could go wrong.  We ordered drinks, got a table, and the guys started their smack talking for the night.

A few minutes later, a girl who was obviously on something other than what the bartender was pouring stumbled over to our table asking to bum a cigarette.  At least I think that’s what she asked.  She may have also been asking for a shampoo or a chimpanzee, but either way, I don’t smoke and had none of the above on me.

For some reason, I was trying to be nice to this stranger who just wouldn’t LEAVE ME ALONE.  Hubs came to the rescue a moment later at which point she says:

“Girl, you so THICK and SEXY I’m gonna steal you from your man.”

Uh, what?

My initial response was, “I’m never eating again.”

But after conferring with friends who are a little better with the slang than I, I discovered it was a compliment.

So really, my response should have been:

“Thanks.  I squat.”

After which I think it would have been totally socially acceptable to chase her off with the chalked up end of a pool cue.

Ah people.  Always good for a laugh.

Don’t be a Jesus Freak at Wal-Mart

I loathe shopping at Wal-Mart.

Ok actually that’s not entirely true.  The shopping experience itself actually isn’t all that bad.  There are some great deals, and they certainly have every frigging thing you can think of under one roof, so there IS that.

But what I detest about Wal-Mart is the check out process.  In my experience, there are always lines of people 10 deep, many with more than one shopping card loaded to it’s maximum capacity.  Frankly, I get it.  Why go unless you’re going to hunker down for the apocalypse?  I mean, I’ve been known to buy ammo AND bananas on the same trip.

But I digress.

Today I was in desperate need of a water filter for my refrigerator.  After visiting two Lowe’s, a Home Depot and a Target, I resigned myself to the fact that I was going to have to go to Wal-Mart for this elusive device.  I waited and planned and decided that 3 p.m. would probably be the best time to attempt my excursion. 

As expected, the shopping experience was pretty seamless.  I found the water filter, also remembered that I needed toothpaste, eggs, bananas, and picked up a set of glitter pens because I just couldn’t resist.  

When I got to the checkout with my 5 items, as per usual, the “10 items or less” line had about 80 people in it, and three other registers were open, each with a sizable line of their own.  Seeing as I hadn’t been drinking yet, I had a feeling this might be a stressful situation.

But much to my surprise, the couple that was in front of the guy in front of me in line, and had a large shopping cart full of groceries, offered to let both the guy in front of me (with just a few items) AND me jump in front of them!

Joy!  Elation!  

Unfortunately, I wasn’t going to get off that easily.  As soon as I squeezed in my place in line, the elderly gentlemen asked me if I “know where I’m going?”

I looked at him surprised.  “Well sir, I’m only 30 and the Alzheimer’s hasn’t yet set it, so yeah, I’m pretty clear.  Uh, do you?”  I responded.

“No no no!” Screeched his wife.  Lowering her voice only slightly she continued, “after this.  Do you know where you’re going after this?”

This was getting weird.  “Yes ma’am.  I’m going home to install my new water filter.”

At this point, they are clearly getting more than a little flustered.  Since it’s possible they are a crazy knife wielding 70 year old murderous couple I’m considering using my newly acquired glitter pens as a weapon when finally he clarifies.

“After this life dear.  Are you right with the Lord?  Are you SURE you’re going to Heaven?”

Uh… um… “Thank you for your concern sir, I really appreciate it.”  Really?  At least I managed to bite my tongue and not tell them that I write regularly about poop and sex and the term “accidental orgasm” has brought over 6,000 visitors to my blog in the past few months.

But he wasn’t done yet.  He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a full color 18 page illustrated pamphlet.  “Here,” he says, “read this and follow these instructions.  This will guarantee your place in the house of the Lord when you die.”

At this point I had paid for my items and was about to walk out of the store and never see these people again.  While I really do believe that everyone is entitled to their own beliefs, it’s shit like this that just rubs me the wrong way.  

So what did I do?  You ask?

Simple, I responded, “Oooh thanks!  It really would be great if there were some way I could make up for all of those lesbian group orgies that I filmed in college.  Oh, and that accidental murder.  But I’m totally down with a goat sacrifice.  What page is that on?  Goody.  Thanks again.”

And I skipped off.

Here’s hoping I didn’t give the old guy a heart attack.  Keep an eye on the news kittens.  If you read about a man down in Wal-Mart, know he’s totally going to a better place.