Somebody broke my time machine

I totally owe you guys a post.  Or ya know, 10 of them.  But I have a really great excuse…

Ok so it’s not so great.  I traveled for the holidays and now I have the flu and all I want to do is nap, eat ice cream, and punch anyone who tells me to do otherwise in the face.

But because this is ME we’re talking about, I’m going to make up a great excuse.  I broke my time machine.

See, usually I can Harry Potter this shit up and travel back in time to make room in my day to do all my crazy workouts, get in a solid 8 hours at the job, cook and prep my meals, and sleep every once in awhile too.

But last week my sproket went AWOL and my flux capicitor went on the fritz.

So while I’m waiting for replacement parts I will have to devote my time to phlegm fighting and soup sipping.  But as soon as I can sit upright without feeling like I’m going to yack, I’ll be back with stories galore.

Until then, sit tight kittens.  I miss you all.

But it’s a GOOD cult!

I hear pretty frequently that Crossfit is a cult.  Sure, it’s a “good” cult (is that like being a good witch) but it’s a cult.  I can dig that.

What I don’t think these people realize is that Cycling is way more of a cult than Crossfit has figured out how to be yet.

And as someone who does both, let me tell ya, sometimes these cults are in conflict.  In Crossfit you drink only gluten free hard cider where as in cycling you drink beer.

In Crossfit you eat steak and kale, in cycling you carbo load with pasta and Gu.

Luckily, both cults share a love of bacon, so I can deal with the rest of the conflicting messages.

As someone who is relatively new to both sports, I’m really lucky that both come with a rule book.  In regards to Crossfit, just google “Crossfit House Rules” and you will get thousands of options of boxes around the country and their respective codes of conduct.  They’re all similar.  Work hard, push your limits, check your ego at the door.

In cycling, there is really only one rule book.  Published by the infamous Velominati, the keepers of the cog, new and seasoned cyclists alike can appreciate the 93 rules of riding the road.

Granted, I don’t have a ton of experience with cycling clubs, but speaking for the one I ride with pretty regularly I can tell you, we know our rules.

Not only do we know the rules, but we regularly reference them.   In the middle of a windy ride, someone might just yell “Rule 5”  as they’re pulling the paceline and hammering away.

When I asked about a tri or racerback tank top to go with our new team kits, I was simply told “Rule 7”  and it was left at that.

Most recently, after my epic derailleur fail, I decided it was time to push the new bike conversation husband and I had been having recently a little further.  Don’t get me wrong, I loved my Allez, but as I bought it nearly 10 years ago now before I knew what I was really looking for in a bike, I had been itching for an upgrade.

Yes, I have a full carbon very fancy tri bike.  No, it’s not the same thing.

As it turned out, hubs was more than willing to not only have the conversation, but to buy the bike.  So tomorrow I will be getting fit on my brand spankin’ new Specialized Tarmac SL4 Comp Ultegra.

I’m so excited I could pee.

But wouldn’t you know it, not 15 minutes after they called me to tell me that my new bike has come in, I received a second call from the shop telling me that they had figured out how to FIX my Allez!  For “only” $180 I could have her good as new and still be able to ride her from time to time if I ever desired.

I’m sure you all see where this is going.  Husband didn’t quite understand it.  Luckily for me, I was able to reference “the rules” and help him to know the reality of how this works.

According to Rule #12:

“While the minimum number of bikes one should own is three, the correct number is n+1, where n is the number of bikes currently owned. This equation may also be re-written as s-1, where s is the number of bikes owned that would result in separation from your partner.”

Lucky for me, 3 bikes does not equal s-1.

So as of tomorrow I will have my original road bike, my tri bike, and my fancy new bike (yes they all have names), and only one ass to ride them with.

What’s a cyclist to do?

That dream just turned drier than the Sahara

Creeeppyyyyyyy
Creeeppyyyyyyy

You know what’s not awesome?  When you’re having a really REALY great sex dream, and then half way through the dream the person you’re knockin’ boots with suddenly transforms into someone you would never EVER have sex with in a hundred million years.

No Mr. Rodgers, no please.  There’s no need to take your shoes off.  I’ll just put my leather chaps and cowboy boots back on and be going now…

Holiday Gift Giving Guide- For the Well Groomed (ie The Primper)

Sweet mother of God, do you realize Thanksgiving is NEXT FREAKING WEEK?

I’m probably less in the holiday spirit than most seeing as I live in Florida and it’s a balmy 89 degrees outside today, but that doesn’t change the fact that the “most wonderful time of the year” is totally here.

Even though I’m feeling a bit like Ebenezer, the one thing about the holidays that I absolutely LOVE is gift giving, and picking out the perfect gifts for the perfect people.

Husband knows this, as usually about once a month I find something randomly that is just SO him that he has to have it, so he gets SURPRISE it’s TUESDAY NIGHT AND YOU’RE AWESOME presents all the time.

I would never in a million years claim to be a shop-a-holic, but I do have a few favorite websites that I turn to and always manage to find something beautiful and unique for even the most difficult person on my list.

So in the spirit of giving, I’ll be sharing these sites with you over the next few weeks to hopefully assist in your holiday shopping!  If you find yourself stumped this year on what to get some of the pickier people on your list, check out my recommendations in the weeks to come!

This week, let’s talk about what to get for the Well-Groomed- also known as the person in your group that always makes everyone late because they take so darn much time getting ready!  (Doesn’t mean you love them any less).

Birchbox http://www.birchbox.com/

The motto of the site is “discover your next everything,” and man they aren’t kidding.  The site has a smattering of unique items for men and women giving a twist on the old standbys for everyone from mom and dad to your personal trainer or best friend.

The easiest option is to give the gift of monthly surprises with the monthly Birchbox subscription.  At $10/month for the ladies and $25 for the gents, it’s a steal.  Each box features a sampling of awesome items that are tailored to preferences based on a quiz the subscriber takes.  Granted, this is more than the $50 gift, but since you as the giver can be billed monthly it’s an affordable way to give something pretty darn nice!

If you’re more interested in a one and done, check out their super friendly site for items at $25 and under for amazing skin care items, and unique trinkets.  Husband was most recently gifted a pair of amazing Bullet Designs Cufflinks that look so darn classy I almost can’t stand it, but have an edge that is so very him. At less than $25 including the shipping, I got to be a hero and get some extra special “thank you” time, and not break the bank with my kindness.

bullet designs cufflinks

Anyone have any go to stores or sites for the “primpers” in your life?  What about any go to gifts that fit lots of people on your list?

Stay tuned for the next gift guide- colleagues and your boss!

Thanks for the ride Sesame Street

happiness

Whoever writes my internal monologue is a sarcastic bastard.

Oh wait, I guess that’s me.

As I’ve mentioned before, I have a habit of having a lot of internal dialogue during especially difficult workouts.  At Crossfit these usually translate into some sort of repeatable mantra’s, but when I’m cycling it’s usually music.

I think it might be because it helps me to keep my cadence where it belongs.  If I think of a song with a beat that’s around 90 rpm, I can pedal to the beat.  If I end up singing it really reallllllly slow in my head, I know I need to pick it up or downshift, and if I’m goingsofastthatican’tactuallygetthewordsout, it’s time to add more gear.

I usually don’t pick the song on purpose.  It just happens to be whatever pops into my head at the time.

Sometimes I don’t even realize I’m singing one because I’m so in the zone.

My rides this week have been pretty darn windy, making me zone out hardcore and just focus on pushing the pedals.

During my particularly brutal ride last Saturday, I had reached a point where my lady bits were screaming, the wind what whipping, and I had just had enough.  I was on the lowest gear the bike had and felt like I was barely moving forward.

At one point during the ride I had been singing Rhianna’s “Rescue Me” to myself (yeah, no accounting for taste when I’m in pain), and went back to that song just to keep the pedals moving.

Before I knew it was humming, OUT LOUD the melody to “The Wheels on the Bus Go Round and Round…” what the?

Ok sarcastic little devil sitting on my shoulder who decided it was a good idea to do this ride, I don’t have children.  I have ABSOLUTELY no excuse for that song to be stuck in my head.

But I’ll tell ya what, it had the perfect tempo to get me home.

Add some bass and a little booty shakin’, and Usher might have his next hit right there.

Man hands and handjobs don’t mix

feel safe

It’s probably not surprising that hubs and I, we have some sex.  Heck, I would go so far as to say we have some downright athletic romps thanks to my “ass to grass” squat capabilities.

Since adding Crossfit into my fitness routine, I’ve received nothing but compliments from the man.  From the changes to my body, to my stamina, to my strength in various er… positions, he’s a big fan.

And frankly, so am I.  It’s super awesome to be able to do it and not end up focused on how much my thighs are burning or how sore my lower back is because the muscles are weak and out of shape.

But, there has been one thing that has changed for the worse.  Lately, it’s been so bad that I’ve heard more than one “ow!” in the bedroom.  Since we’re not into the S&M stuff, ow is never a good word.

It’s my freaking hands.

They are a disaster.  So bad in fact, I’m banned from giving handjobs and really shouldn’t use them at all when touching the delicate bits.

This is such a shame because my grip strength kittens, it’s out of the darn world.

But my razor sharp callouses and man hand type texture just kills the mood.  Apparently no amount of callous shaving in the world is going to make them feel any less like sandpaper.

What’s a Crossfit girl to do?

It’s been a rough week for my co-workers

fart-at-desk

When I have to poo at work I have a really bad habit of waiting until the last possible minute to go to the bathroom.

I’m usually right in the middle of something important, and need to finish my thought before it falls out of my head.  Granted, this usually results in my having to walk very briskly and ignore if someone calls my name while I’m flying by, but so far it’s been a successful option.

But today, I think I waited a smidge too long.  I stood up, took two steps, and then had the five-step-walking-toots.

Every step was a fart.  And they were LOUD.

Have I mentioned that I work for a technology company in an office environment that is SO quiet that they actually added a white noise fan so that it isn’t eerie?

I took an extra long time in the bathroom and a different route back to my cube after that experience, all while hanging my head in shame.

I guess it could be worse.  I could have shit myself.

Clark Kent never had to deal with this crap

You know how I said I am a superhero?  Kittens, I wasn’t kidding.

Today, powered by nothing but the maximum velocity of my own awesomeness, I RIPPED my derailleur off of my bike frame about 10 seconds into a ride.

I ripped metal from metal with the sheer power of my thighs.

Forget thunder thighs.  These bitches are made of lightning.

broken 1
From the top. It’s not supposed to be just dangling there like that.
broken 2
See that shiny metal part that has never been exposed to the light and therefore doesn’t have the same slick black paintjob? Yeah, that’s where the metal tore away.

 

Not that kinda threesome

I have a secret.

I added swimming into my training a few weeks back.  Ya’ll already know that I ride 3-4x per week.  And I might have tried running a few times over the past few week s (pain free!) as well.

So yeah.  If you’re not a total idiot you realize what that means.

I’m officially tri-training.

triathlon easy

It’s funny because, when I started Crossfit over a year ago, I did it because I didn’t want to do triathlons any longer.  I had done several, then let myself get incredibly out of shape and overweight for a year and a half.  When I finally snapped out of it and looked to add exercise back into my routine, doing any of the tri sports just felt wrong.  I was so slow, so fat, and so out of shape.  It was disheartening to know what I used to be able to accomplish was so far outside of my grasp.

So I started Crossfit.  I had never picked up a heavy weight in my life, had absolutely no previous experience with any of the moments, and therefore had nothing to compare myself to.

And I loved it.  Still do.

But lately, I’ve been having that itch to go the distance again with the SBR.  I hopped in the pool after over a year off and found that I hadn’t lost it.  It took a few tries to get my stroke back and to not eat giant facefulls of water every time I tried to breathe, but I loved it just like I used to.  Not only that, I haven’t lost much speed.

I am a stronger cyclist now than I ever was as a triathlete.  Amazing how actually riding with other cyclists (something that was unheard of during my previous tri training) has made me stronger, faster, and better at not falling over at stop signs.

And running.  Well, that’s running.  It likely will always be my biggest limiter, but what better reason to train than weakness than to register for an event in which I will have to do it?

I have a spring race in mind and my schedule laid out through the end of December.  I’ll be swimming 3x/week, biking 3-4x/week and running 2x/week (need to be nice to the foot at first), along with going to Crossfit on Mondays, Tuesdays and Thursdays.

I’m going to start posting all my training under my daily dated posts so that I can keep it all in one place, so be prepared for some changes over the next few months.

And hopefully, some hilarious stories to go along with this insane plan.

Nothing to see here…

Today at work I sat down and ripped the zipper clean out of my pants.

That totally happened.

Now never you mind that these particular pants are at least 5 years old, are my favorite black ones, and have been worn and washed at least once per week since I bought them.

We also should not take into consideration that the hems on both legs have fallen out more than once, and have been repaired, and even now the left one is being held on by safety pins because I just haven’t had the time to get the sewing machine out.

It’s irrelevant that all of the buttons on them are not the originals, as over time they’ve fallen off and needed to be replaced.

None of that matters.

Because right now I’m focused the fact that my fat ass sad down and RIPPED THE EFFING ZIPPER OUT OF MY PANTS people.

I’m never eating again.