Fear of My Inner Fat Kid

ronda_rousey

You know what scares me?  The notion that a year from now I could end up right back where I was four months ago, overweight and miserable and hating myself for it.

If I’m being truthful, it freaking terrifies me.  Every day I’m working so hard to make lasting lifestyle changes that will stick with me for the long run.  Every day I’m battling demons who want me to eat a family sized box of Mac and Cheese for dinner or drink a bottle of wine just because it’s Tuesday.  More often than not, I’m winning.  Actually, if I’m being completely honest, I am winning 100% of the time outside of planned cheat meals.

But there’s this part of me that chides me.  That whispers in my ear that I can’t be perfect forever.  That some day I will go out to dinner and just order the burger and fries, and that will lead to a slippery slope of stuffing my pie hole until my size 14 jeans don’t fit me anymore… again.

Two days in a row of posting about confidence and self love and I still have these fears and doubts.  I still worry that this time won’t be any different than any other yo-yo I’ve done.

But then I think about all the times I HAVE made the right choice.  Just tonight I went to the grocery store after the gym starving and really craving some soup.  What I wanted was the Publix Chicken and Dumplings, loaded with creamy biscuity goodness.  What I bought was fresh carrots, celery, mushrooms, spinach, a can of diced tomatoes and a big box of veggie broth and came home and made my own concoction.  With scrambled eggs.  Because for some reason that sounded good.

I recognized the craving, but once I was in the store I was on autopiolot.  That, friends, is a lifestyle change.  And one I hope will stick with me for the long haul.

The title of this blog is “Not the Fat Kid in Gym Class Anymore,” but really I think I just need to realize that regardless of what I look like on the outside, mentally I need to not be that kid anymore.

So with all that, look for a bit of a blog redesign soon.  I’ve been thinking about doing it for some time and the urge has finally struck me.  We’ll have a new name, a new mantra, and a new layout, but the same great shit you’ve come to expect from me.

Now, tell me your demons.  I’ll reassure you that you’re not alone.  And heck, might crack a pewp joke or two for good measure.

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I didn’t know there would be running…

I-just-ran-5-miles-and-what-a-workout

Hey guess what?  Getting better is hard freaking work.

Three weeks ago when I started working one on one with a coach to help to improve some of my many Crossfit weaknesses, I was totally pumped and ready to go.

“I want better endurance,” I told her.  “My lungs always go before my legs.  And my heart rate goes really high really fast.  I want to be able to string together movements better.”

“Ok, ” she said with a devious smile.  I shoulda known.

It’s amazing coming from a triathlon background to recently realize that endurance is my limiter.  Lift a really heavy weight anywhere between 1-5 times?  Sure, no problem.  Lift it 10?  Eff you buddy, I don’t wanna.

When did that happen?

I distinctly remember starting Crossfit and loving it because so many of the movements were things I had never done before.  I wasn’t comparing myself to the “in shape” version that used to do triathlons, because there wasn’t much swimming, biking or even running in the workouts.  I didn’t ever feel bad that I was not measuring up to what I knew myself to be capable of, because we never did that shit.

Instead I was learning new movements and working out with really big WEIGHTS; things I had never tried before.  And things that I turned out to be pretty darn ok at.

Now that I’m at the point where I have a super secret goal of *gasp* competing, I need to look at myself more holistically as an athlete, identify those gaps, and train those weaknesses.

Which is what I’ve been doing for nearly three weeks now.

It sucks.

My “homework” every week is a list of movements that, given the choice, I would rather have a bout of diarrhea than do.  Lots of jumping.  And running.  And core.  And shit in sets of 10.

But you know what?  Yesterday before my session I ran a timed mile and did it nearly 1:30 FASTER than my first attempt just 3 weeks ago.

Is there a little nagging voice in my head reminding me that I’m still almost a minute off of my half marathon pace (from five freaking years ago)?  Sure.  But you know what, that voice can shut the f*ck up.  I’m improving, and working my ass off to do it.

This is just the results after 3 weeks.  Is anyone else as excited as I am to see where I end up in September?