Why do YOU read my blog?

advice

I know I’m not the only blogger in the world that gets a kick out of their “search terms.”

For those who don’t have any idea what I’m talking about, let me let you in on a little secret.  Sites that host blogs, like the lovely wordpress.com, give us bloggers some tools to measure and track how awesome we are.  The analytics tell us things like how many people per day are on our blogs, how many pages they look at, what posts they look at the most, what countries they are from, and how they got to our blogs (ie, what search terms they may have used).

I’m proud to say my blog regularly reaches 10-15 countries a day.  I have a few hundred visitors on average, and I love EVERY. SINGLE. ONE of you.

I’m also totally amused by the fact that my posts about sex get about 5x as many views and likes as any other posts I do.

This is a weight loss/ Crossfit blog kids.  But not to fear, the perverted commentary isn’t going anywhere soon.

With all that said, people end up at my blog through a variety of search terms.  As I peruse these I feel a bit remiss, as I have never actually blogged about 90% of them.  While I can see how the wonderful world of Google algorithms found my writing with these combinations, I feel awful that these readers walked away without the answers they were seeking.

So in an effort to please the masses, I give you my top 5 search terms, and my thoughts and commentary on each.  Folks, if you stumble on my blog because of one of these combinations please Please PLEASE follow me.  I want to be your friend.  You are my kind of people.

Number 5- 6 People Visited with This Term
Fat Snatch Hat

Hello new visitors.  As I am at work at the moment, I’m not willing to google “snatch hat” to ensure it is, in fact, what I’m thinking so I’m just going to go with my initial assumption here.  Hat’s are a very personal preference.  Find one you like and wear it often if that’s your thing.  Full support here, fat or otherwise.

Number 4– 6 People Visited with This Term
My crush has a boner in class

Ah my darlings, this is a good thing.  It’s a sign of an excellent circulatory system.  In my opinion, as long as he’s not whipping it out and playing with it, he’s not really breaking any rules.  And if you’re a girl googling for advice on this particular topic please keep in mind, guys have it much harder than we do in this arena (pun totally intended).  We don’t have the burden of physical evidence popping up when we’re oogling the hot professor and get a little too excited about our bent-over-the-desk fantasies.  Just sayin’.

Number 3– 9 People Visited with This Term
If you feel your mouth is not responding properly

You should smack it.  Or have someone else smack it.  Or I guess it’s possible you might be having a stroke.  So maybe you should see a doctor… who might smack it?  Who knows?

Number 2– 9 People Visited with This Term
Fat kid peeing out window

My oh my google you ARE creative with your algorithms aren’t you?  I get the fat kid.  I even get the peeing… but how did it end up out the window?  Regardless, searchers/readers, don’t let your kids pee out the window.  If you see a kid peeing out the window, feel free to correct their behavior.  I for one do NOT want to be the person in the car BEHIND the kid (fat or otherwise) peeing out the window.

Number 1– 12 People Visited with This Term
Look at stewie and see a fat girl

I can’t judge, this has happened to me before too.  I think it’s the shape of his head.  If you look at him and see a fat girl you think you know you should ask for her autograph.  She might the inspiration for the character and it could make you rich one day.

Unless, of course, that fat girl is me.  In which case, I’ll cut you.  So on second thought, maybe don’t ask.  I would hate for your children to end up parentless because you followed some crappy advice you got from a crazy woman on her blog.

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Maces and flamethrowers and Stewie, Oh my!

Sometimes I picture my warring personality traits as people.  Usually comic book type people.  Comic book type people with large weapons and bludgenoning devices hell bent on killing each other.

Yes, that’s what I picture when waiting to see what wins; my need to be liked by everyone, or my need to express my opinion, even if it will inevitably be unpopular.

My need to be well liked usually looks something like Jessica Rabbit.  How can you not like her?  In my head I’m agreeable, kind and a pleaser, always trying to help people feel comfortable and accepted.  It makes me a great event planner, and not too shabby a hostess if I do say so myself.

jessica rabbit

However, Jessica Rabbit does not always get along well with my need to express my opinion, who usually looks something like Stewie Griffin.  Where the real Stewie would just love love love to invite Jessica to one of his sexy parties, my version is much more interested in telling her to cover her tits and speak her mind.

Stewie is the one who will pipe up and question why on earth you believe the cabbage and hot sauce diet is going to work for you?  He may also spring out in times of womanly crisis when a dear friend is crying about the husband who cheated on her for the seventh time that she’s aware of, and remind her that at this point it can’t be that shocking.

stewie-griffin

Usually shortly after those types of comments fly out of my mouth I envision Jessica breaking out the flame thrower while Stewie suits up with the mace and they attempt to behead each other with a vengeance until the next opportunity to be either likable or a complete and total opinionated bitch presents itself and one emerges victorious over the other.

It’s exhausting being in my head some days.