Here’s a bit of brilliant advice for you

If you stub your toe so hard that you see spots, unicorns, and penguins dancing in your vision, and let loose a string of curse words that may or may not even have been invented yet, it is likely not a good idea to put a band aid on it and just go to the gym.

Especially if it’s a day where you plan to run hill intervals and do legs.

By the time I got home my ring toe (is that even a thing?) was as large as my big toe.  My shoe was literally full of toe.  Talk about a weird, and kinda painful sensation.

I mean sure, I was physically capable of getting through the workout.  But this isn’t the zombie-pocolypse kittens.  There’s no reason to run with a broken toe.  I don’t need the excuse to drink Vodka.  I do just fine on my own.

Who needs sleep? I have porn.

Insomnia is a real bummer.  As a true insomniac, I understand the frustration of lying awake in bed when you know you should be sleeping and worrying about how tired you will be during the next day.

My solution?  Don’t lay around.  Do something with yourself.  Below is my short and not even remotely comprehensive list of the grand things I accomplish while unable to sleep.

Things to do when insomnia doesn’t care how exhausted you are at 3 a.m.:

 Laundry.  Especially the weird stuff.

You know those rags you use to wash your car?  Or the pillowcases and sheets in the guest bedroom that no one has ever slept in?  Well they need to be washed too, right?  Right.  After two or three nights of insomnia all the normal laundry is probably done, so capitalize on this opportunity to get everything squeaky and fluffy in case great Aunt Irma decides to stop over for a visit.

Read scary zombie books or watch scary zombie movies

Remember that moment when you decided, “no, I won’t read this book/watch this tv show right before bed because I want to be able to sleep tonight?”  This is your subconscious minds way of playing a cruel joke on you.  Punish it by subjecting yourself to the scariest most face eating shit you can find.  It’s not like you’re going to fall back to sleep anyway.

 Scrub the tile floors

You’re always too exhausted to do it after you’ve cleaned the whole house, so it goes a few weeks (or ok, months) between good thorough down on your hands and knees with the bucket of bleach water scrubbing.  Since you have more energy at 3 a.m. than you ever dreamed possible, might as well get it out of the way!

Paint your nails, and toenails… and heck, the dog/cats nails while you’re at it

Waiting for polish to dry is a pain the ass during busy day to day life.  But hey, it’s 3 a.m.!  Outside of your 24 hour Wal-Mart there is literally no other place on earth that you even could be, much less anywhere than you would need to be.  And really, Wal-Mart at 3 a.m. is even scarier than during the day.  Don’t do it.  Trust me.

Watch porn.  And do whatever it is you do while watching porn

I’m not proud.  When all else fails, an orgasm is a kind of sure fire way to get you relaxed enough that there might be hope that you will fall back to sleep.  If that doesn’t work, well, at least you were productive.

Hot supernatural sex… yeah, you’re gonna read it aren’t ya?

I admit it, I’m a glutton for trashy fiction.  Specifically anything involving zombies, vampires, werewolf’s and lots of hot supernatural sex, but I can really dig pretty much anything with a snarky female main character who kicks some butt.

Since I was doing my best hermit impression this weekend and didn’t get off the couch but to pee or refill my sippy cup, I got a lot of good trashy reading in.  The iPad, complete with the Nook app truly was my gift from God, as I literally had unlimited trashy novel potential right at my fingertips.

I’m sure some of you are curious as to what I read, and it’s possible some are even looking for recommendations.  Allow me to answer your question without leaving you in thrall, I will never EVER admit the titles of these books, nor will I recommend any of them one way or another.

Sure, I’ll admit to reading them.  But I’ll be a unicorn in a non-fiction biography before I admit to more than that.

My husband teases me all the time that I read the crappiest stuff for being so intelligent.  I have no good excuse.  I think at some point in my geeky young adult life I decided that  I would read marketing and advertising books, learn leadership and management best practices, and keep my publicly seen bookshelf readily stocked with volumes that help to enhance this whole “smart girl” thing I’ve got going on.  But, if I was going to read for pleasure, it was going to be mindless.

I’m happy to report that I am full to the brim with mindlessness today.  And while I will never share with you publicly what I’ve read, I am ALWAYS looking for recommendations.  So followers, if you have any guilty pleasure authors or books you’re willing to share, I would love to hear them!

In the meantime, I’ll be elbows deep in my zombie horde trying not to get bitten.

Do the voices in YOUR head sing and dance?

It’s noisy in my head today.  The little critters that fly around in there and usually whisper my internal monologue to me are kind of singing it loudly, and in showtuney voices today.  It’s making for an interesting day in terms of concentration.

It’s also not really doing much for my (if I do say so myself) spectacular blog-authoring capabilities.

So rather than leave you wanting (because I know you hang on my every word) for another day, I’m going to give you a tiny little window inside the company in my brain.

Voice that could be a character in West Side Story: You should post about Boston.  Boooooston.  You’re all torn up and don’t know what to say but you should think of something clever and mournful today.   Booooston.

Voice that could be Sandra-Dee from Grease:  Talk about the girl.  (yeah yeah yeah)  The girl at Crossfit (yeah yeah yeah).  She just got done with Whole 30 (yeah yeah yeah).  And you can really tell she lost it (yeah yeah yeah).

Voice that sounds like a character in Cats:  Do allllienssss exxxiisssttttt?   Are they annnnnyythingggg like zombies?  Will you surrrviiiccvvvee the apocalypse?  I can’t think of anything that rhymes with zombies….

Dude that totally sounds like he could be in Rent:  Post about SEX!  Sex!  SEX!  Everyone loooooovesssss SEX!

Stay tuned for likely posts on all topics listed above, but for today, I hope you enjoyed the show.

Now back to your regularly scheduled programming.

Zombies and Crossfit

I can always tell when something is totally consuming me because I dream about it.  My dreams tend to be super crazy messed up mish moshes of whatever the day’s events held, as well as bad movies and usually some inappropriate groping thrown in for good measure.

So obviously, my dreams are awesome.

Lately, I’ve been dreaming about Crossfit.  A LOT.

We have the typical I’m-in-a-WOD-that-I-just-can’t-finish dreams, or the I-showed-up-to-Crossfit-but-forgot-to-put-my-clothes-on dreams, or sometimes the super cool I-did-200-toes-to-bar-without-stopping dreams that I realize immediately I am dreaming and usually wake up as a result of.

Last night, I did not have a normal dream.  Last night, I had an epically badass Crossfit dream that I feel the need to document here.

I was a zombie killer.

I was given the position because I was stronger and faster than the other women who had survived the outbreak, and it was my job to eliminate zombies from the planet.  I got to pick a partner in crime, and for whatever reason I picked a beast who does 6 a.m. Crossfit with me.  I’m thinking it’s because he’s a badass.  But my subconscious also believed he could handle the heck out a crossbow (think Darrel Dixon in the Walking Dead mad skills).  My weapon of choice was a meat cleaver.  It may have had something to do with the ribs I had prepared for dinner last night.

Oh and we both could fly.  Points for us.

In the end “beast” ended up getting his arm nommed off and dying, and I got bitten in the face and woke up abruptly.

This was before the groping so it was admittedly a little disappointing.

But dude, my subconscious even knows how bad ass I am.