Here’s why I’m NOT annoyed that I can’t get a squat rack at the gym

Well happy New Year kittens!  I hope everyone got through the holidays without needing Xanax or considering stabbing their caroling neighbors with scissors while they were wrapping gifts.  Not that I did either of those things.  No, not me.  Never.

2014 was a great year for this Wonder Woman, and 2015 is going to be even better.  I know this, because like every one of you, I’m in charge of my own happiness and success this year.  Pretty sweet action.

The gym this week has been crazier than I remember it being.  Trying to get a squat rack is like being one of the monkey’s in the zoo going after the lone banana, but I’ve got to say, I’m really proud of all the newbies I don’t recognize getting in there and working towards their goals.  Yeah, I realize that not everyone will develop a fitness habit, but if even a few of them stick around, I’ll deal with the crowds without complaint.  After all, I was once the fat, out of shape gal who just had a goal of doing something every day.  Everyone has a chance at success.

So here’s my first 2015 challenge for you, my readers.  Don’t be that person on Facebook or Twitter complaining about all the new people at the gym.  Instead, be that person who says “hi” to someone you haven’t seen before, or offers to let them work in a set on a machine you’re using.

Whether you’ve been doing this for 15 years or 5 minutes, we’re all just trying to get stronger, faster, and reach our goals right?

Be the positive person in someone’s day.  You never know what kind of impact it might have.

In case you need extra Halloween candy motivation

I’m not a huge candy person, but that doesn’t mean around Halloween I’m not tempted.  Not having any kids helps, so does not buying the stuff until the last minute and sending any extras to work with hubs the next day.

But today when I brought home the Snickers and Twix and put the chocolately bastards in my Halloween bowl I was hit with temptation.

I sent my sister a text:

I just went to the grocery store to buy candy for the trick-or-treaters and now I feel the need to not be at home all day so that I don’t eat it all before tonight.

 

I can always count on my sister to put things in perspective.  Her response:

Don’t be a b*itch and eat all the children’s joy.

 

So followers, don’t devour the joy.  Save it for the kiddos who are going to lose those teeth anyway.

Happy Halloween!

You’re About to Ride in a Time Machine

My favorite day of the year is coming up this weekend!!!  No, it’s totally NOT Halloween (have I ever mentioned how much clowns and scary movies absolutely terrify me?!), it’s the day we all get to “Fall Back,” or as I like to call it:

TIME TRAVEL!!!!

No seriously, you go to bed at night and wake up the next day and have a whole shiny new hour that you didn’t have before!  It’s good stuff kittens.

This year, I’ve got a challenge for my lovely readers.  There’s lots of research out there that says folks who do stuff in the morning are more likely to stick to it and make it a habit, yes?  Yes.  True statement.

With an extra hour in our day, wouldn’t it be cool if we could kick off our Fall right and use that hour to work towards a goal we’ve been wanting to achieve?

If you’ve really been trying to get out of bed in the mornings to workout, that is totally the day to start.  Or if you have it in your head that you would just eat better if you took the time to prep some meals, do it with that hour!  Let’s all challenge ourselves to use that hour to start a new healthy habit, before our bodies have a chance to miss it!

Personally, my extra hour is going to be spent on stretching and mobility.  My once a week yoga classes are great, but I really need to spend some focused time every day foam rolling and stretching.  I always plan to do it when I wake up in the morning, but seem to constantly get distracted.  I’m using my hour to start this new habit.

What about you?  What will you do with your hour?  What new healthy habit are you going to start this weekend?

I once gave a dude my underpants in a grocery store

Before I met the hubs, I was on my way to work early one morning, and stopped by the grocery store to grab some sushi for lunch.  I noticed a pretty good looking dude at the sushi counter and smiled just to be friendly.  He smiled back and said “hi.”

“So, I need to ask you a favor,” he said.

I was in a rush, but figured I could spare a few seconds to listen.  Besides, he was cute.

“God, this is so embarrassing.  Uh, so, it’s my best friends bachelor party today and well, we’re starting kind of early…” he stammered, suddenly unable to look me in the eye.

Bachelor party?  I thought.  It was 8 o’clock in the freaking morning.  Early indeed.  But I just laughed.

“Oh geez.  Ok, what do you need me to do?”

“Excuse me?!” he exclaimed.  Clearly surprised that I knew the drill.

“Look dude, all of my friends are guys.  I’ve been the wingman at more than one bachelor party, I know how the drill works.  As long as you don’t want my undies, I’m in.  Just spit it out, I need to get to work.”  With that, his face started flaming about fifteen shades of red.

Well shit.

“You need my under ware don’t you?”

He just nodded.  He couldn’t even bring himself to say the words.

“Yeah sorry, no way man.  Good luck,” I said, and turned to leave the store.

“Wait!  Please wait.  Look, if I don’t do this I have to go back to the car and take a Jaegerbomb.  It’s 8 o’clock in the morning.  I’ll be puking by noon.  I’ll never work up the balls to ask another girl to do this.  Please don’t make me be that guy.”

And to this day I will never EVER know why, but right there in the middle of the grocery store I whipped my underpants off under my skirt, handed them to him, and walked away.

I guess I too really, really hate Jaeger.

Hilarious gym antics part… I don’t even know… one thousand?

It’s been an pretty eventful week at the gym kittens.  So eventful that I was inspired to write this amazing post for my friends over at Boozey.

I don’t want to give away any of the details, and frankly I need some page views over at that site.  So click thru and read about when it’s “ok” to flirt with a girl at the gym… (basically it’s not, but you know I didn’t make it THAT simple.)

Enjoy!

Death by Dragonfly

We’ve all had the wind knocked out of us at least once in our life.  But have you ever had the wind knocked out of you by a three inch long harbinger of death that not only hits you in the chest and paralyzes you, but leaves you splattered with wings and brain matter?

Yeah, up until today I hadn’t either.

It was a really REALLY eventful bike ride kittens.

It felt like this. Only by a bug. In the chest.

I mean, dragonflies don’t look that big to an average human, but take one to the chest at nearly 20 mph and it’s a whole different story.

Anyone else had something disgusting happen lately?  Tell me all about it, stud.

Want a laugh?

Hey gang guess what?!  I am officially a freelance writer over at Boozey.com!

My first post is up today and features some of my all time favorite things, Beer, Bacon and Blowjobs.  Click on through for a laugh and to show support!  The more traffic I get, the more they let me write, and I’ve got some great poop and sex stories that I want to share with the world.

Thanks kittens!

Accidental Orgasm- the follow up story

It shocks me that to this day, I get at least 3-4 new visitors daily who find my blog through the keyword search “accidental orgasm.”  Apparently, it’s a bit more common than even I realized, though I have no idea if what they’re looking for is related to exercise.

Since posting that blog nearly a year ago now, I’ve learned a great many things.

First off, having an orgasm when exercising, specifically in women doing core work, isn’t completely uncommon.  After writing my initial accidental orgasm post, I had close to 15 different female readers reach out to me publicly and privately to say it happened to them. More than one even said it was during toes to bar!  Given that my readership base is around 500 or so on any given day, and the majority are female, some quick math tells us that roughly 3% of ladies could experience this phenomena (and be willing to admit it).

Man I wish I had their gift.  All toes to bar do to me is rip my hands and make my core ache so bad I feel like I might poop.  And while pooping is a relief, it’s not an orgasm.

In addition to that startling revelation, I’ve discovered that apparently I’m not the only one to cover this topic.  Muscle & Fitness published this brief read citing an actual study about women who have experienced an orgasm during exercise.  Apparently someone is seeking to put science behind this whole thing.

Mark my word kittens, there will be a “how to” manual out in the next few years.

Even armed with all this knowledge, I wasn’t at all prepared for what I witnessed yesterday at my friendly local globo gym.

I was doing my usual Tuesday thing, head down and headphones in, using the lat pull down machine that was situated right in front of the ab machine that sort of crunches your upper and lower body together in one motion.

As I finished my set and was standing to shake out my arms, the song I was listening to ended.  In the few seconds of silence between one song and another I heard sounds that really should only be made in bed, or MAYBE on the foam roller if you’re really getting after some sore quads coming from behind me.

I couldn’t resist.  I turned acting like I was going to grab some paper towel to wipe down my machine and came face to face with a dude, clearly nearing his grand finale, on the ab machine furiously crunching, sweating and moaning about 5 seconds away from a full on “O” face.

I should have left him to his accidental on purpose orgasm.

But it was like I was frozen.  I couldn’t look away.  I was about to witness scientific proof that not only does this happen, but it doesn’t *just* happen to females.

Unfortunately, he chose that exact moment to open his eyes, and the mood was lost.  He hastily jumped off the machine and damn near sprinted to the men’s locker room with an impossible to ignore bulge.

$10 says he went in the boys poop stall and finished the job.

Either way, I didn’t care.  I have new blog material.

So there you are kittens.  If you missed it, check out the original accidental orgasm post here, and if you’re brave enough let me know, has it ever happened to you?

Here’s a bit of brilliant advice for you

If you stub your toe so hard that you see spots, unicorns, and penguins dancing in your vision, and let loose a string of curse words that may or may not even have been invented yet, it is likely not a good idea to put a band aid on it and just go to the gym.

Especially if it’s a day where you plan to run hill intervals and do legs.

By the time I got home my ring toe (is that even a thing?) was as large as my big toe.  My shoe was literally full of toe.  Talk about a weird, and kinda painful sensation.

I mean sure, I was physically capable of getting through the workout.  But this isn’t the zombie-pocolypse kittens.  There’s no reason to run with a broken toe.  I don’t need the excuse to drink Vodka.  I do just fine on my own.

Apparently, I am the opposite of anal retentive

Retirement at 30 is awesome.  I get to do pretty much anything I want on a given day, which sometimes includes helping hubs out at his screamingly successful business.  I get to do the fun stuff, which lately has meant helping with recruiting new employees.

The calls go something like, “Hi there.   Your resume looks pretty fancy and wouldn’t you like to make enough money that your wife doesn’t have to work anymore?  Yes?  Well then you should come in for an interview.”

I’m great at it.  Well, sorta.

It also means I’m on hand for any other odds and ends things he needs done, which he loves and I enjoy because I end up feeling useful at least once a week. I guess that’s my minimum.

Today there was an HR explosion that resulted in hubs being alone in the office without an admin, and having an appointment that he needed to get to.  Lucky him, I was here, and jumped at the chance to help out.

So now it’s just after 4 p.m. and I’m on my own answering phones until 5.

Which of course means that right now, at this very moment, I have to poop.

Figures.