Stick it in me hard please… uh, that’s what I said

After a super eventful 24 hours I can now say there are worst things than being sick for three weeks.

Like getting a call from your doctor at 8 o’clock at night telling you to go to the ER IMMEDIATELY because your blood test came back wonky and there’s a strong possibility you have blood clots in your lungs, and could end up with a pulmonary embolism, stroke out, and die at any second.

Thank goodness the above didn’t happen, but I’m now significantly poorer, stabbed more times than I can count with needles, and badly in need of a shower and a pep talk.

I shall live to snark another day.

There was some hilarity in the whole experience though.  When I got to the hospital I was whisked back to a room pretty much immediately (how often does THAT happen?) and was paired with the coolest dude nurse I ever could have asked for.

Our interaction started with him telling me that he needed to draw blood and my responding “ok stick it in me.  But do it hard, I don’t want you to have to do it more than once to get what you want.”

When he looked shocked and befuddled and then promptly responded, “well then shut your mouth and stop distracting me” I knew we would get along just fine.

We proceed to talk guns, boobs and tell each other to shut up regularly for the next several hours, cracking up hubs in the process.

I’m not sure what I would have done with some sweet little old lady nurse who winced when I dropped f-bombs.  Thank goodness I got the dude who knew how to handle someone as cranky as me.

The flu is not like pie, no one wants a second helping

Being sick is psychologically exhausting.

When I first got the flu three weeks ago, I still managed to keep my chin up and focus on getting well. I wanted to get back to Crossfit, to riding my bike, and to feeling well enough to cram everything into life.
But that was 3 weeks ago kittens. While I had a slight reprieve in feeing like I might die at any minute last week, yesterday I spiked yet another 102 fever complete with a hacking cough and the chills and sweats.

The first flu was incredible sinus congestion and an upset stomach, so I’m sure I’m not relapsing, but instead have caught another strain of the virus.

I know I should go to the doctor, but I also know it’ll cost me $100 and there’s nothing they can do.

Compound that with the fact that I am completely out of sick days, so even with my fever and the corresponding delirium, I’m at work today.
Long story short, I’m damn miserable. My chin is nowhere near up. In fact, I’m not certain it’s still attached.

Over the past few days I’ve considered quitting Crossfit, my job, and just life in general. All I want to do is crawl into bed and sleep until I feel better and then figure out a way to never get this sick again.
Three weeks is a LONG time to be miserable folks. I’m not sure how people who live in chronic pain are able to do it. I wouldn’t be strong enough. Three weeks of phlegm and I’m ready to off myself.

I know I’m a total sicko, but this is getting ridiculous

It’s been a full 7 days since the onset of what we shall call the flu-from-hell.  At this point, I’m grateful to still be alive.

I came back to work today after having to take the entire week off last week.  I mean, I would have come in, but something about the vomit in my hair and the delirious half-awake fever induced hallucinations made me think better of it.

To my co-workers, you’re welcome.

 Today I’m still only breathing out of one nostril, but having air flow thru those nose hairs feels glorious.

When my lunchtime crew went out for a ride I almost died of envy, until I stood up to go pee and got lightheaded and a little nauseous.

It’s safe to say I’m on the mend, but not quite there yet.

The good news is, I’m full of snark and don’t have anywhere physical to direct it.  Seeing as I’m going to be braving the mall tonight to do some Christmas shopping, I would bet my bottom dollar that there’s an entertaining story or two tomorrow.

Especially because I have weapons.  Snot rockets will scare away even the most determined elf or Santa imposter.

Somebody broke my time machine

I totally owe you guys a post.  Or ya know, 10 of them.  But I have a really great excuse…

Ok so it’s not so great.  I traveled for the holidays and now I have the flu and all I want to do is nap, eat ice cream, and punch anyone who tells me to do otherwise in the face.

But because this is ME we’re talking about, I’m going to make up a great excuse.  I broke my time machine.

See, usually I can Harry Potter this shit up and travel back in time to make room in my day to do all my crazy workouts, get in a solid 8 hours at the job, cook and prep my meals, and sleep every once in awhile too.

But last week my sproket went AWOL and my flux capicitor went on the fritz.

So while I’m waiting for replacement parts I will have to devote my time to phlegm fighting and soup sipping.  But as soon as I can sit upright without feeling like I’m going to yack, I’ll be back with stories galore.

Until then, sit tight kittens.  I miss you all.

Are you gonna eat that?

eat more

Here’s something that’s hard for a slowly reforming fat girl to hear: “You’re not eating enough.”

Say wha?

But after sitting down and discussing my overall health, severe insomnia and general issues of late, this is one of several conclusions my awesome Crossfit coaches have come to.  And truthfully, I agree with them.

While it goes against every fiber in my being to even allow myself to think that in order to achieve my weight loss and performance goals I need to eat MORE, what they are saying makes a lot of sense.

Super-awesome-girl-coach laughed when she saw my face when they broke this news to me.  I guess she’s been spoonfed the same kool-aid as I have through the years.  It goes something like this:

Want to lose weight and look amazing?  Work out as much as you possibly can, eat as little as physically possible.  Only when passing out is eminent may you then eat.  A grape.  Just one.  It’ll do, we promise. 

Since she’s like, the hottest girl I know, and if I had her body I would walk around naked ALL. THE. TIME. (and yes, I told her that), I’m going to take her advice on this one.  Oh, and her advice was backed by all this cool science stuff too, so that gave her extra credibility over her super hot points.

So in short, here’s what’s wrong with me.  I’m not eating enough, and was walking a very fine line with overtraining.  As a result of my recent sickness, I am now officially firmly in the realm of overtraining.  This is affecting my sleep, my immune system, and my overall health.  I’m also not supplementing appropriately for my level of activity to give my body the tools it needs for recovery.

Well gee, who knew there was more to this whole thing than just showing up and working out?

My recipe for recovery, and to help fix my cranky and out of whack immune system, is pretty simple.

Take a few days off (done).

When I do come back, SCALE.  A LOT.  It’s ok to take a step back and give my body time to get back in the swing of things.

EAT!  Fuel my body for training and recovery.  Don’t be an idiot and count calories.  Eat when hungry, stop when full.  Not rocket science.

Finally, supplement.

I need to boost my immune system and get my cortisol levels back in check.  If for no other reason than I need to sleep.

Because when I don’t sleep I get cranky.

And then it’s more than just my health at risk kittens.

So THAT’s why he glows


I’m wearing Christmas underpants today.  Not because it’s laundry day.  Nor is it because they were on top of the panty drawer.

It’s because this particular pair of underpants have a giant Rudolph across the front of them, and every time I wear them I think about Rudolph muff diving.  It makes me giggle endlessly.

Not because I’m a sicko who is actually into bestiality mind you, but because I’m a sicko in general.

And let’s face it, when you feel like crap, you need all the giggles you can get.

Free entertainment with $50 copay

bad parenting

When I close my eyes it feels like my eyeballs are going to “flame on” and burn a hole through my eyelids.

Oh the joy of running a fever.

It would seem that my unfortunate favorite pastime of licking the shopping cart handles at my local Wal-Mart has caught up to me and yet again, I’m sick.

This time I managed to escape without my typical strep throat, but I’m still stuck with a nasty sinus infection coupled with tonsillitis and a cough that could wake the dead.   According to the doc I’m in for 17-20 days of this fun, but he took pity on me and gave me some cough syrup with the good drugs in it, so at least I get to be in a coma for a solid 50% of it.

Luckily, trips to the doctor (ie our friendly neighborhood urgent care clinic) always result is some excellent stories, so you my readers are in luck.

People watching at the doctor’s office is pretty much some of the best people watching around.  Yesterday was no exception.

As I was filling out my paperwork, a woman about my age entered with six (count them SIX) children ranging in ages from two to eight.  That’s a lot of back to back procreation my friends.  The two eldest needed to get their physicals for school.  She and her brood sat down so that she could fill out paperwork and for the next 10 minutes I witnessed what could only be described as the seventh circle of hell.

Was it the seventh?  Is that the one where screaming waterfighting minions take over?  Maybe that’s the fourth.  No matter…

Her six children ran screaming through the waiting room.  They discovered the drinking fountain, and proceeded to have a water fight.  They climbed on chairs and counters, then jumped off exclaiming that they could fly.  Their mother didn’t even look up, or bat an eye.

I cowered in the corner for fear they might start breathing fire or announce their plans to take over the world.

At this point, one of the nurses came out and told the kids they could not behave that way.  She explained to the parent, and her children, that jumping off the furniture was dangerous and could cause accidents, and that having water all over the floor in a medical facility was a real hazard.  The nurse then proceeded to get paper towels from the bathroom to clean up the mess, all while keeping a watchful eye on the children.

Only when she finally walked away did the mother finally speak up.

What pearls of wisdom did she have for her children?  How did she use this moment to teach them the appropriate way to behave?

She hollered at them, “Ya’ll are so BAD!  I hate all of you!  I can’t take you anywhere.  They always ask me to leave because of you.  Is that FAIR?  IS IT?”

Her children were quiet for a solid 10 seconds before they started their antics again and she went back to ignoring them.

I was more grateful than I can even describe that I had my headphones with me.  While children make me crazy, in this particular instance, it was the mother I wanted to throttle.

Hot supernatural sex… yeah, you’re gonna read it aren’t ya?

I admit it, I’m a glutton for trashy fiction.  Specifically anything involving zombies, vampires, werewolf’s and lots of hot supernatural sex, but I can really dig pretty much anything with a snarky female main character who kicks some butt.

Since I was doing my best hermit impression this weekend and didn’t get off the couch but to pee or refill my sippy cup, I got a lot of good trashy reading in.  The iPad, complete with the Nook app truly was my gift from God, as I literally had unlimited trashy novel potential right at my fingertips.

I’m sure some of you are curious as to what I read, and it’s possible some are even looking for recommendations.  Allow me to answer your question without leaving you in thrall, I will never EVER admit the titles of these books, nor will I recommend any of them one way or another.

Sure, I’ll admit to reading them.  But I’ll be a unicorn in a non-fiction biography before I admit to more than that.

My husband teases me all the time that I read the crappiest stuff for being so intelligent.  I have no good excuse.  I think at some point in my geeky young adult life I decided that  I would read marketing and advertising books, learn leadership and management best practices, and keep my publicly seen bookshelf readily stocked with volumes that help to enhance this whole “smart girl” thing I’ve got going on.  But, if I was going to read for pleasure, it was going to be mindless.

I’m happy to report that I am full to the brim with mindlessness today.  And while I will never share with you publicly what I’ve read, I am ALWAYS looking for recommendations.  So followers, if you have any guilty pleasure authors or books you’re willing to share, I would love to hear them!

In the meantime, I’ll be elbows deep in my zombie horde trying not to get bitten.

I hope whatever I just hacked up wasn’t important


I try to be a positive person.  Granted, I’m also a horribly sarcastic bitch most of the time, but I’m generally positive.  The glass is always half full.  We are always half way there.  I count up and celebrate my accomplishments rather than counting backwards from what’s left to do.  That sort of thing.

But I gotta tell ya, my grumpy pants are firmly on, and have been for the past several days.

Truth of it is, I’m sick of being sick.  I’m sick of not feeling like myself.

Nearly 6 weeks ago I injured my back, and since then I have been either in pain or sick (or both!) every day.  I’m at a point where I’m pep talking myself just to get out of bed, and trying to find things to look forward to in the day to keep going.

Yes, I realize this is horribly melodramatic, but I know for certain that I’m not the only person to feel sorry for myself when things seem to not be going my way.

I’m looking forward to this weekend in a way that I can’t even begin to describe.  Today is my 12th day straight of work, and I badly need the break.  Not just for my body to recover and heal from whatever this newest infection is, but to psychologically reboot myself and get back to who I am and who I want to become.

I posted yesterday about all the things I look forward to doing when I’m well, but today I’m simply focused on getting through the day.  Having things to look forward to is fantastic, but my focus today is simply on getting well.  No need to pressure myself with anything more.

Breathing through my nose… oh how I miss thee

I’m officially back from the big kahuna industry conference and am relatively unscathed from the experience.  Minus the fact that I’m sick again.  My voice is almost completely gone making me sound like a yipping Chihuahua any time I try to talk, and I’ve got some sexy phlegm thing going on again as well.

I evidently have the immune system of a tsetse fly at the moment.  I suppose just finishing my last round of antibiotics, and then promptly exposing myself to a germ infested airport and conference hall probably wasn’t my best choice.

Do I sound negative and sarcastic?  Ok good, because I am.  I’m sick of being sick.  For nearly a month I’ve felt like crap and I’m over it.  Actually, that’s the problem.  I’m not over it, but I’m ready to be.

As I would rather not wallow in my own self-pity, I’m going to focus on happy thoughts.  Specifically, what I will do as soon as I am able and well.

I will go to Crossfit! 
I was able to hit the gym at the hotel the first day we arrived before the black plague of death got its claws in me and get in a pretty awesome workout.  I did it Tabata style and got some of the best looks.  I think I would have been ok had I been able to avoid the grunting.  But as a true Crossfitter, during the single arm DB snatches there was grunting.  Lots of it.  I guess sounding like you’re having mad passionate sex in the weight room draws attention.  Good to know.

I will ride my bike!
I missed my bike when I was away.  I had a sort of epic 32 mile ride right before I left and am anxious to repeat that process.  I like that I’m seeing gains in my cycling ability, and know that the more I ride the more I will see so I’m ready to get back at it.  Although, given all the beer at the conference, I’m NOT ready to be back in spandex in public just yet, so maybe my phlegm hiatus isn’t the worst thing in the world.

I will clean my house, again!
After my last bout with Strep throat I cleaned every inch of my house with bleach, replaced our toothbrushes, washed our sheets and comforter and basically took every precaution I could to put us in a germ free zone.  Obviously, I didn’t have that much control over all the grungy public places I’ve been over the past 5 days.  When this is over, I’m going to sterilize everything again to be sure that this is the last time that I have to deal with the snotty-fest that has been my life lately.

Between the power of positive thinking and the power of powerful antibiotics, I’m sure I’ll be better in no time.   In the meantime, I’ll be leaving the cranky pants at home and chugging along the best I can.